I'm a little scared at the moment. I'm afraid I don't know my limits. Have I given away too much, even on this blog?
Have I broken the angle I first aimed for? I'm sure my posts will pick up. I'm just a little sick of the severity of what I've been churning out of late. The severe confusion, the severe criticism... the severe love.
This is meant to be jovial; a light-hearted scent of what's really happening. Not some winge-fest or angsty drivel. It's meant to be consequence-free drivel.
Yes, I do love her, but by shouting it out, am I cheapening it?
This leads me to a question that's been plaguing me:
Where can one buy a kebab on the peninsula in the wee hours of the morning?
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Wednesday, 21 January 2009
Sunday, 18 January 2009
Exchange
She gave me two gifts:
The first was a reminder of the One who loved me before I was born.
The other is still coming in trickles, worth every day I'll spend waiting for it to form in its beautiful entirety.
I gave her what I could.
The first was a reminder of the One who loved me before I was born.
The other is still coming in trickles, worth every day I'll spend waiting for it to form in its beautiful entirety.
I gave her what I could.
Friday, 16 January 2009
Offline
In reality, I've been very online. My mind has been sharper at times (that eases my worries) and I've been in contact with a lot of people.
None of which I've really had time for. Sorry, y'all.
It appears someone's heart is offline.
I've been working three days a week and at Summer School for two days a week (Tuesday and Friday, for those interested) and my two spare days haven't really been spare at all, but I've made time for my best mate, and I thought I'd made time for another.
It started out with good intentions, I'm sure. That's why it's so baffling. We'd arranged to meet and go to the beach. My memory, not what it aught to be, thought we were meeting when another friend finished work, around 5:00pm. I got out of my 3:15 class and received a text saying she was at a location on Uni grounds. I said that I thought we were waiting for said friend, but it became apparent that I'd forgotten that 3:15 was the time we'd planned. This was a tad inconvenient, as I'd arranged to have coffee with someone until 4:00. I suggested she come along, then we head to the beach after the coffee. This sent her into a tirade that ended with her informing me via text message that our friendship was over and could never be resuscitated.
I thought that was a little extreme.
I thought to myself, how can anyone treat a person they've spent so long caring about in such a manner? I waited around until I couldn't take it any more. I went to the beach where I knew she'd be. I searched for her in the scorching heat for an hour, until I saw her dejected form, backpack in tow, heading for the tram stop. I stopped her, and hugged her. she pulled in close, but on principle refused to put her arms around me, until I asked her to. She said that things couldn't go on the way they were going.
This perplexed me. Apparently I'd let her down too many times. Apparently I could never again call her my friend. She said that she'd spent too long crying over me, when I let her down in a myriad of ways. Foolish as I was, I begged and pleaded. I said I'd make sure I always put her first (silly, I know, when there are worthy people who deserve my all). I went down on bended knees, not afraid to be seen like this in public. She questioned my motives for being her friend. I told her I love her. She asked why. The girl who so many times, in so many ways, told me how she loved me and would always love me asked why I bother. I explained as best I could. I tried to do justice to what we'd meant to each other and what she meant to me.
Side note: It all seems clear when I type all this, that if she didn't care about me so much, she'd have forgiven me for requesting an extra 45 minutes.
She then proceeded to tear up every few minutes, while bringing up every thing I'd ever done. She said she felt she'd paid for the grievances she'd caused me during a period in which I'd suffered a mental break-down at her hands (to be fair, neither of us did any good to each other at that time). She said that she couldn't love me and she had deleted my phone number. She wanted to sever the connections she has with my some of our mutual friends as well, and I can only hope I dissuaded her from it.
The tram ride back was mostly uneventful. That is, until near the end. I told her that she couldn't just say, "Friendship terminated" and we'd forget everything and never hang out again. She said she'd have to threaten me if I approached her again and that I was only allowed to speak to her at meal times while we were at college. I said that she was being silly, and that we'd be friends again. I said that if she told me she needed to not see me for a year, then we could try being friends again, I'd be willing to do that. She said she'd file for harassment if I ever visited her. I said that I had no fear of anything she could do. What fear is there beyond losing a loved one? Her empty threats became too apparent to herself, so she burst into tears.
How did this happen? Look where it came from! --> Note the rare use of the exclamation mark.
Through the tears she said I must agree only to speak to her at dinner times and never to hug her. I quickly said there would be no need, as I wouldn't have anything to do with her. She got her wish. I proceeded to depart the tram several stops too early.
Now, this leads me to several important questions:
1. Would this have been avoided, had I blown off my coffee appointment?
2. Does this make sense to anyone at all?
3. What are the real motives behind such demands?
4. Would I be going against who I am if I let her treat me like this?
5. Should I just think of the many friends around me and the beautiful girl who cares for me and be content to leave her be?
I think one of the most important things that needs to be stated here is this:
THIS IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND. THIS IS A FRIEND WHO I CARE ABOUT. A LOT. DESPITE ALL SHE'S PUT ME THROUGH.
The uppercase letter weren't shouting. They're just important, so that anyone reading this won't miss them.
An amazing friend of mine once said to me: "Please don't waste any more energy on her. You have someone who is worthy of your heart."
I do, but I also have a big heart.
Thanks everyone who has been supportive of me and puts up with my idiosyncrasies.
TheSovietChairman
P.S. I think I'll put my purple shirt on soon to make me happy. It really is that easy.
None of which I've really had time for. Sorry, y'all.
It appears someone's heart is offline.
I've been working three days a week and at Summer School for two days a week (Tuesday and Friday, for those interested) and my two spare days haven't really been spare at all, but I've made time for my best mate, and I thought I'd made time for another.
It started out with good intentions, I'm sure. That's why it's so baffling. We'd arranged to meet and go to the beach. My memory, not what it aught to be, thought we were meeting when another friend finished work, around 5:00pm. I got out of my 3:15 class and received a text saying she was at a location on Uni grounds. I said that I thought we were waiting for said friend, but it became apparent that I'd forgotten that 3:15 was the time we'd planned. This was a tad inconvenient, as I'd arranged to have coffee with someone until 4:00. I suggested she come along, then we head to the beach after the coffee. This sent her into a tirade that ended with her informing me via text message that our friendship was over and could never be resuscitated.
I thought that was a little extreme.
I thought to myself, how can anyone treat a person they've spent so long caring about in such a manner? I waited around until I couldn't take it any more. I went to the beach where I knew she'd be. I searched for her in the scorching heat for an hour, until I saw her dejected form, backpack in tow, heading for the tram stop. I stopped her, and hugged her. she pulled in close, but on principle refused to put her arms around me, until I asked her to. She said that things couldn't go on the way they were going.
This perplexed me. Apparently I'd let her down too many times. Apparently I could never again call her my friend. She said that she'd spent too long crying over me, when I let her down in a myriad of ways. Foolish as I was, I begged and pleaded. I said I'd make sure I always put her first (silly, I know, when there are worthy people who deserve my all). I went down on bended knees, not afraid to be seen like this in public. She questioned my motives for being her friend. I told her I love her. She asked why. The girl who so many times, in so many ways, told me how she loved me and would always love me asked why I bother. I explained as best I could. I tried to do justice to what we'd meant to each other and what she meant to me.
Side note: It all seems clear when I type all this, that if she didn't care about me so much, she'd have forgiven me for requesting an extra 45 minutes.
She then proceeded to tear up every few minutes, while bringing up every thing I'd ever done. She said she felt she'd paid for the grievances she'd caused me during a period in which I'd suffered a mental break-down at her hands (to be fair, neither of us did any good to each other at that time). She said that she couldn't love me and she had deleted my phone number. She wanted to sever the connections she has with my some of our mutual friends as well, and I can only hope I dissuaded her from it.
The tram ride back was mostly uneventful. That is, until near the end. I told her that she couldn't just say, "Friendship terminated" and we'd forget everything and never hang out again. She said she'd have to threaten me if I approached her again and that I was only allowed to speak to her at meal times while we were at college. I said that she was being silly, and that we'd be friends again. I said that if she told me she needed to not see me for a year, then we could try being friends again, I'd be willing to do that. She said she'd file for harassment if I ever visited her. I said that I had no fear of anything she could do. What fear is there beyond losing a loved one? Her empty threats became too apparent to herself, so she burst into tears.
How did this happen? Look where it came from! --> Note the rare use of the exclamation mark.
Through the tears she said I must agree only to speak to her at dinner times and never to hug her. I quickly said there would be no need, as I wouldn't have anything to do with her. She got her wish. I proceeded to depart the tram several stops too early.
Now, this leads me to several important questions:
1. Would this have been avoided, had I blown off my coffee appointment?
2. Does this make sense to anyone at all?
3. What are the real motives behind such demands?
4. Would I be going against who I am if I let her treat me like this?
5. Should I just think of the many friends around me and the beautiful girl who cares for me and be content to leave her be?
I think one of the most important things that needs to be stated here is this:
THIS IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND. THIS IS A FRIEND WHO I CARE ABOUT. A LOT. DESPITE ALL SHE'S PUT ME THROUGH.
The uppercase letter weren't shouting. They're just important, so that anyone reading this won't miss them.
An amazing friend of mine once said to me: "Please don't waste any more energy on her. You have someone who is worthy of your heart."
I do, but I also have a big heart.
Thanks everyone who has been supportive of me and puts up with my idiosyncrasies.
TheSovietChairman
P.S. I think I'll put my purple shirt on soon to make me happy. It really is that easy.
Monday, 24 November 2008
This place
It's later than it should be, but not as late as it will get.
It's colder than I'd like, but my head feels too warm.
It's after my birthday but before the celebrations.
It's after the second moment of inertia of my workload but before the region of zero pressure.
It's after she's gone.
I want to hold her.
She got together with my best mate and organised a wonderful end to a terrible day. She made sure I had no suspicion (although I guessed what they would get for me) about what they were up to. I'd resigned to the fact that I was letting people down by not celebrating when they were so ready to share the day with me. And then they made it all better. A surprise supper, gifts and love. And a disgruntled French girl. Oops. She has forgiven us now.
Madame Francaise is a lot less uptight and I think it helped her realise how highly strung we were becoming. We're calming down in our relationships within that house. We take time out together, just relaxing and laughing. Maybe it's because, well, if we don't then we're left with a sour taste when we look back, I guess. That apartment has a story that should be told. My angle alone wouldn't do it justice, but soon I'll try and retell what I can recall: The violence, the warmth, the separation, the charity, the bloodshed, the break-downs and the love.
I'm about to take a power nap before ploughing on through what I need to remember for tomorrow's (today's?) paper.
I'm glad there are people who will still care for me even if everything falls apart.
I pray that it won't, but I also don't fear it too much. I need to be realistic about what I can do with the time I have left. I haven't always had the benefit of someone who cares enough to want me to do well in my studies. My studies aren't who I am, but I want to do my best for the people around me.
And since the sermon a few weeks back; for God.
Look after each other and give me a hug if you see me around.
TheSovietChairman
P.S. Best. Surprise. Ever.
P.P.S. Seriously.
It's colder than I'd like, but my head feels too warm.
It's after my birthday but before the celebrations.
It's after the second moment of inertia of my workload but before the region of zero pressure.
It's after she's gone.
I want to hold her.
She got together with my best mate and organised a wonderful end to a terrible day. She made sure I had no suspicion (although I guessed what they would get for me) about what they were up to. I'd resigned to the fact that I was letting people down by not celebrating when they were so ready to share the day with me. And then they made it all better. A surprise supper, gifts and love. And a disgruntled French girl. Oops. She has forgiven us now.
Madame Francaise is a lot less uptight and I think it helped her realise how highly strung we were becoming. We're calming down in our relationships within that house. We take time out together, just relaxing and laughing. Maybe it's because, well, if we don't then we're left with a sour taste when we look back, I guess. That apartment has a story that should be told. My angle alone wouldn't do it justice, but soon I'll try and retell what I can recall: The violence, the warmth, the separation, the charity, the bloodshed, the break-downs and the love.
I'm about to take a power nap before ploughing on through what I need to remember for tomorrow's (today's?) paper.
I'm glad there are people who will still care for me even if everything falls apart.
I pray that it won't, but I also don't fear it too much. I need to be realistic about what I can do with the time I have left. I haven't always had the benefit of someone who cares enough to want me to do well in my studies. My studies aren't who I am, but I want to do my best for the people around me.
And since the sermon a few weeks back; for God.
Look after each other and give me a hug if you see me around.
TheSovietChairman
P.S. Best. Surprise. Ever.
P.P.S. Seriously.
Friday, 7 November 2008
Take a melody
I enjoy receiving emails from friends I haven't seen in a long time. One of my high school mates says he's gone from being a short kid to over six foot now. He's a cool kid. He's friendly, looks out for others and we share some similar interests.
He is up for anything. He can hang with anyone.
He still likes the things we used to think were fun.
--On My Way, Ben Kweller
Except that I still like the same things... Hmmm...
Need I grow up? It just reminds me of one of my favourite quotes, and then I think, maybe I'm doing fine:
"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up"
-- C.S. Lewis
And because of this, I'm just going to sing Eight Melodies and sign off without making a point.
Bye!
TheSovietChairman
Take a melody
Simple as can be
Give it some words
And sweet harmony
Raise your voices
All day long now
Love grows strong now
Sing a melody of love, oh love
Love is the power
Love is the glory
Love is the beauty
And the joy of spring
Love is the magic
Love is the story
Love is the melody
We all can sing
He is up for anything. He can hang with anyone.
He still likes the things we used to think were fun.
--On My Way, Ben Kweller
Except that I still like the same things... Hmmm...
Need I grow up? It just reminds me of one of my favourite quotes, and then I think, maybe I'm doing fine:
"When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up"
-- C.S. Lewis
And because of this, I'm just going to sing Eight Melodies and sign off without making a point.
Bye!
TheSovietChairman
Take a melody
Simple as can be
Give it some words
And sweet harmony
Raise your voices
All day long now
Love grows strong now
Sing a melody of love, oh love
Love is the power
Love is the glory
Love is the beauty
And the joy of spring
Love is the magic
Love is the story
Love is the melody
We all can sing
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