Offline

In reality, I've been very online. My mind has been sharper at times (that eases my worries) and I've been in contact with a lot of people.

None of which I've really had time for. Sorry, y'all.

It appears someone's heart is offline.

I've been working three days a week and at Summer School for two days a week (Tuesday and Friday, for those interested) and my two spare days haven't really been spare at all, but I've made time for my best mate, and I thought I'd made time for another.

It started out with good intentions, I'm sure. That's why it's so baffling. We'd arranged to meet and go to the beach. My memory, not what it aught to be, thought we were meeting when another friend finished work, around 5:00pm. I got out of my 3:15 class and received a text saying she was at a location on Uni grounds. I said that I thought we were waiting for said friend, but it became apparent that I'd forgotten that 3:15 was the time we'd planned. This was a tad inconvenient, as I'd arranged to have coffee with someone until 4:00. I suggested she come along, then we head to the beach after the coffee. This sent her into a tirade that ended with her informing me via text message that our friendship was over and could never be resuscitated.

I thought that was a little extreme.

I thought to myself, how can anyone treat a person they've spent so long caring about in such a manner? I waited around until I couldn't take it any more. I went to the beach where I knew she'd be. I searched for her in the scorching heat for an hour, until I saw her dejected form, backpack in tow, heading for the tram stop. I stopped her, and hugged her. she pulled in close, but on principle refused to put her arms around me, until I asked her to. She said that things couldn't go on the way they were going.

This perplexed me. Apparently I'd let her down too many times. Apparently I could never again call her my friend. She said that she'd spent too long crying over me, when I let her down in a myriad of ways. Foolish as I was, I begged and pleaded. I said I'd make sure I always put her first (silly, I know, when there are worthy people who deserve my all). I went down on bended knees, not afraid to be seen like this in public. She questioned my motives for being her friend. I told her I love her. She asked why. The girl who so many times, in so many ways, told me how she loved me and would always love me asked why I bother. I explained as best I could. I tried to do justice to what we'd meant to each other and what she meant to me.

Side note: It all seems clear when I type all this, that if she didn't care about me so much, she'd have forgiven me for requesting an extra 45 minutes.

She then proceeded to tear up every few minutes, while bringing up every thing I'd ever done. She said she felt she'd paid for the grievances she'd caused me during a period in which I'd suffered a mental break-down at her hands (to be fair, neither of us did any good to each other at that time). She said that she couldn't love me and she had deleted my phone number. She wanted to sever the connections she has with my some of our mutual friends as well, and I can only hope I dissuaded her from it.

The tram ride back was mostly uneventful. That is, until near the end. I told her that she couldn't just say, "Friendship terminated" and we'd forget everything and never hang out again. She said she'd have to threaten me if I approached her again and that I was only allowed to speak to her at meal times while we were at college. I said that she was being silly, and that we'd be friends again. I said that if she told me she needed to not see me for a year, then we could try being friends again, I'd be willing to do that. She said she'd file for harassment if I ever visited her. I said that I had no fear of anything she could do. What fear is there beyond losing a loved one? Her empty threats became too apparent to herself, so she burst into tears.

How did this happen? Look where it came from! --> Note the rare use of the exclamation mark.

Through the tears she said I must agree only to speak to her at dinner times and never to hug her. I quickly said there would be no need, as I wouldn't have anything to do with her. She got her wish. I proceeded to depart the tram several stops too early.

Now, this leads me to several important questions:

1. Would this have been avoided, had I blown off my coffee appointment?
2. Does this make sense to anyone at all?
3. What are the real motives behind such demands?
4. Would I be going against who I am if I let her treat me like this?
5. Should I just think of the many friends around me and the beautiful girl who cares for me and be content to leave her be?

I think one of the most important things that needs to be stated here is this:

THIS IS NOT MY GIRLFRIEND. THIS IS A FRIEND WHO I CARE ABOUT. A LOT. DESPITE ALL SHE'S PUT ME THROUGH.

The uppercase letter weren't shouting. They're just important, so that anyone reading this won't miss them.

An amazing friend of mine once said to me: "Please don't waste any more energy on her. You have someone who is worthy of your heart."

I do, but I also have a big heart.

Thanks everyone who has been supportive of me and puts up with my idiosyncrasies.

TheSovietChairman

P.S. I think I'll put my purple shirt on soon to make me happy. It really is that easy.