Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Why write it down?

I don't want to know him. I don't want to hear his voice. That would make it harder. The whole point is to make things easier.

I've seen it many times. Mostly he's just a largish man, usually in a leather jacket for some reason. I'm walking up Lygon and he's walking down. I have gloves to shield myself against the cold. They also prevent fingerprints.

I have a Russian friend who told me that whenever she sees me, I look different. A slight change in hair style, beard length or outfit and I look like someone new.

To this end, I always see myself clean-shaven. If something went wrong - If he saw me and I hadn't finished what I set out to do - I'd need to be unrecognisable again. In most of the available photographs of me, I'm sporting a neatly-trimmed beard. Once I change, people easily forget what I used to look like. Laying low for a week would return my face to its present state.

I know he wouldn't recognise me, but I've studied his every feature. I met him once. He was seated. I've estimated his stature from photos taken with friends of mine. I've hunted down every available reference- from public computers, so my own laptop isn't linked to him.

He would be difficult to bring down. I might have to be satisfied with tearing a hole in his belly and leaving him to die- Although it would be nice to see it through to the end. I'm so glad this area of town is filled with back-streets, back-alleys and all manner of get-away possibilities. My own house is so close.

My knife slips out of my sleeve and into my hand with the same smooth motion that I use to drive it into him. He will never know why I couldn't let him live.

Why is it that the people who are smart enough to get away with it are too smart to do it in the first place?

Let's see how smart I am.


Thank you, God, for a beautiful weekend in wonderful company. Thank you, God, for the tears of happiness. Thank you for the healing.

Restore my heart for you, when it runs to dark, childish places.

Parody is an excellent tool for brightening up a miserable thought.


Friday, 23 April 2010

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Shot through the heart, and you're to blame...

People talk lightly of some of the most important things in life. I suppose that's why being reverent toward God's name is a good thing.

People fling concepts around, beautiful concepts that have been distorted by the world. It's no wonder people often can't see the wonderful nature of some of the great gifts we have. Without revering certain things, they lose their meaning and importance. Polluting the mind with pornography scars the mind and leaves less of ourselves to give to our partner. Taking nature for granted leaves a barren land in crisis.

Talking of sex flippantly takes away the significance of sharing your body with the one you love. Honesty is important, but reverence helps keep the beauty of physical intimacy a reality.

Without honouring the sanctity of marriage, we're left with a farce. Things can break down. People make mistakes. However, even joking about extra-marital affairs can be harmful.

The girl I want wouldn't want anyone else- once she's chosen me, and I, her. The girl I'll love for the rest of my life will have my all, without any other earthly investments of that part of my heart.

I wonder if she exists.


Saturday, 17 April 2010

Proof positive

I'm collecting them: All the beautiful trinkets of our friendship. I won't forget.

I'm collecting them: All the promises, the assurances, all the agreements that some things won't change, all the pinky promises that mean I'll never be lonely. I won't forget.

I'm collecting them: All the text messages with declarations of love, all the pictures of us in an embrace, all the notes with confessions of hopes told to friends or just to me in the dark. I won't forget.

I'm collecting them: All the memories of late night gaming sessions, all the kind-hearted jokes that offer support, all the sweaty hugs after gym. I won't forget.

I'm collecting them: All the "secret" (from your parents at least) afternoons spent in beautiful conversation, all the secrets trusted to me concerning your fears and hopes and aspirations, all the bursts of energy your youth gives me. I won't forget.

I'm collecting them: All the surprises on my phone that tell me you care, all the hugs at night when I can just breathe and know you're there, all the hopes we've share and the paths we've walked, all the dreams of building our own games development team despite our laziness. I won't forget.

Even if you forget- I have proof positive; I have proof of your love. I have proof of God's love.

I want to live to honour both.


Friday, 16 April 2010

Creaky bones, feeling good

Up all night. Plenty of coffee. Beautiful run in the morning sun. See you soon. Nearly out the other side.


P.S. Album of the week is The Life Pursuit, by Belle and Sebastian.

Thursday, 15 April 2010

Keep at it...

One day I will be attractive enough. Then you'll want me to cook for you in my underwear.


P.S. I'm on my way. I'm doing Fitball and BODYBALANCE classes today. My fingers smell like a fruit salad, thanks to Revlon's scented nail polish range.

P.P.S. Mostly this was an excuse to draw that cute picture... Awww...

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

Walking to Grandpa's

Where are we going?

I'm not sure.

Then why are we going there?

You'll see.

I'm tired.

You're always tired. It's not much further.


It's not really fine, though. I am tired.

I know, Honey. Look. What's that?

I don't know. I'm tired.

I know, I know, but what can you see?

Is it another mountain walk? I'm too tired for that.

No, Honey. Just keep going.

What kind of tree is that? Do you know what that is?

Is it a palm tree- No, wait! I meant a pine tree. Is it a pine tree, Mum? It's got big pine nuts on it.

No, Sweetie, Pine nuts are inside pine cones. Pine cones are the big ones.

Oh. Okay. It's a pine tree.

You got it. There aren't many here, are there? Where are there a lot of pine trees?

In the mountains?

But where do you know there are a lot of pine trees?

I don't know.

Yes you do. Come on. Who has lots of pine trees?

Who has lots of- Grandpa! Grandpa lives near lots of trees!

Yep. He grows them, doesn't he, Honey? It's called a plantation.

Oh, cool! Has he still got lots of sheeps?

I think so, I think he has lots of sheep. We'll soon find out, won't we?

My feet hurt- when will we get there?

Soon. How's your hand? Is it still sore?

Just a bit, Mum.

Is Dad going to come too?

No. He can't come this time. We'll see him in a while.

Ok. Grandpa's funny. Remember when he told me to ride the sheep? He told me to jump up on its back, but I was too scared, but then he picked me up and was going to put me on the sheep, but he was just kidding- remember that, Mum? Remember that?

I remember, Honey. I remember. Grandpa's been a little sick for a while, so he might need to stay inside a lot. He can't walk as well as he used to, Honey.

Why not? Did he hurt his legs?

No. He's just getting older. It's all right, though.


Are we nearly there?

Yep. See that path? It's just a little walk down there, then we'll be at Grandpa's. Don't worry. We're nearly there.

That's good. My feet still hurt, Mum.

It's okay, Honey. We're nearly there.

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

I know it's boring...

But I cleaned.


I like to cook for you
in my underwear
’cause our kitchen
points to a wall

and I like to talk to you
while I brush my teeth
cause I have
so much to say

I want to hear you talk to me
in any funny voice you please
it all pleases me

I want to hang off every word you say
and even though it’s in my head
it all pleases me

--Cook for You, Clare and the Reasons


P.S. I guess it really is time to close down the blog, if I'm freakin' bloggin' about cleaning!

P.P.S. Nah, that (not)chicken's pretty cute... He makes up for it... Just.


It seems there have been a lot of birthdays recently. Back when I was living in a residential college, there were 285 other people and almost every night was someone's birthday.

Birthdays should be joyful occasions. I think I helped spoil it a little. Or a lot. I've acted rather shamefully over the last... three years? Twenty-one years? However, God has worked in me and around me, showing his providence in my life. He's used my gifts, and continuously works through my weaknesses.

It's time to party! That's right. You guessed it. It's time for scented nail polish! Bring on the Passionate Fruit and Pretty in Papaya!


I'm happy to love you, as I do. I'm glad we see the same way. I'm glad you love what I love. I'm overcome with joy. Not every day will be like this. Each day will require effort, patience and love.


I'm glad you haven't abandoned our friendship, after what I've put you through. I'll make things right by being the best friend you could ever ask for!


I'm sorry the tea smells like beer. I'm sorry that the celebrations have left you flat. I'll keep praying for stability and love in your life. I'm very grateful for the kindness you've shown me and the fun friendship that's suddenly sprung up


Why seven stars? I don't know.

Even if (not)chickens won't always make you happy, these ones are partying for you.


P.S. Wait. One of them is a turtle! Heh heh. I just noticed. Cheeky beggar.

P.P.S No more blogs about self-pity and what-not! Moving on! From here on in, it's gonna be less... crap.

P.P.P.S. I prefer the drawings I do when they've been drawn larger, and more wobbly. No so happy with these ones.

Sunday, 11 April 2010

I hate statistics

But here they are, anyway. I removed the Google Analytics tool from the site, a while ago, but I thought it might be interesting (possibly only for me) to track the number of visits to this site and how they correspond to certain events. Each blue dot represents a week's traffic.

See the spike early on? That was after I posted about the Mother 3 Handbook. See the first boom in visits? That corresponds to an increase in artwork-related posts. Then the lull. That's when I "shut down" the blog, only to reinvent it for the second boom.

What I want to say is this: The statistics don't mean anything to me other than an interesting correlation between content and readership. The real joy of having actual readers has been the new friends I've made, the new sources of fun I've found in other people's cyber-homes and the (rather strange, but still lovely) way in which people have offered support and reached out to prove that the world ain't so big.

Unless of course, one is saving money to travel to meet one's bride-to-be. Then the world seems a little too big.

But that would be silly, right?


You're amazing

Standing there, shaking, I knew nothing I could say would be adequate in telling people what you've done for me, and what a beautiful soul was in their midst. They know you, they've been helped by you, they've seen your dedication to Christ and to pouring God's love out into the community. Your trust fund, your tireless care, and all with such sincerity, you do each task before you, and you love, as God taught us.

Just as I don't deserve God's grace, so too, I don't deserve a friend like you.

I love you, wonderful Ames. Tonight, as always, you shone with the reflected light of His glory.

I pray for many more celebrations ahead.


Thursday, 8 April 2010

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

Turn 180

Repent. That's what I need to do. That's what I'm doing. It's written down in black and white. I've disclosed everything. Everything I did. This afternoon was dedicated to showing every gory detail to someone I love. She listened to every hiccough I've had along the way. She didn't say a word until I'd finished. I told her everything. EVERYTHING. You hear? Wow. When I'd stopped, she laughed and smiled and held me. You thought I wouldn't love you after that? I was so scared that you'd go cold, and give very practical advice, but never look at me with that affection and care I'm used to. I was scared. But God protected me. God gave you strength to hear what I had to say. Not just that. He had such a plan! We wrote it all out. It's here for me to come back to when I'm doubting myself. I have goals. I love you. I love her. I love her. I love you. I can be myself; that which God wants me to be. I can love properly. I have safeguards. It's time to really make sure I'm living in the light. What happened Monday night wasn't acceptable. There was so much beauty to come out of it, but at the cost of tearing some more of myself. I will be worthwhile. Do your best to help me along the Way. Join me.

Tonight was a night of barhopping. From Little Creatures Dining Hall to Black Cat to Bimbo Deluxe, it was a good night. A Bloody Mary, a James Squire India Pale Ale and a Calabrese pizza. Then a wobbly ride back.

I'm still a little wobbly.

I love you.


P.S. This is also the happiest I've been in a long, long time.

When you smile, my heart soars

But you won't always be happy. I won't always catch you on a good day.

You can't want someone all the time, but you want them forever.
-- The Sweetest Flower, Gerry Doyle

I'm so very, very happy that you're in a good place. Don't hurt me when circumstances don't work in your favour. I won't ever disappear. On that you can rely. I want to be someone who always pays you attention.

Look in the mirror.

You're beautiful.


P.S. I am very happy that it got sorted. And so very quickly! You have such amazing strength. Just don't think it's weakness to let someone else help. Just let them listen.

And love you.

Tuesday, 6 April 2010

You're a warden's pet, she's a screaming suffragette

I'm risking a lot. You might not think so, but I am. It's because... "I can't see me lovin' nobody but you, for all my life!"


Here's my Easter 2010.

Praise Him whose grace covers us all!

This post could also have been called: I see jpg artefacts! Next time I'm uploading .png files. Silly


I'm sorry, we don't accept Myki concession cards

The only way I could possibly get this concession card is at the time of purchasing my public transport concession card. Aaargh!

So much for my plan of one wallet with one concession card, one with the other.

Today is a time to celebrate, a time to mourn, a time to reflect and a time to offer everything over to God. I've torn myself a little more. I rejoiced in hurting someone I care about...


Fine. That blog post was gonna suck all kinds of terrible. You know it. I know it. Let's run away from all of that.

I've got two tasty loaves in my bag. I'm hoping they don't get soggy. Thanks, Dear. I've done my BodyBalance for today. Sorry I flaked on Pump yesterday... My bad...

Would you understand what I just did? Would you hate me? I hate me a little. But there's a lot to celebrate.

Aaargh! I'm doing it again!

You've been given a second chance. Don't blow it.

I feel like the world is at my feet. I also feel like it could crumble at any moment.

*Shakes head* La la la la la! Not listening! You're getting boring and ambiguous again.

I have to plan for a big dinner party today. Cakes! We must have many cakes! And dips! And deliciocity! I can't wait.

No dating 'til 2011. Not really a guarantee of then either. Waiting. Gymming. Studying. Praying. Baking. Loving.

God's kind of loving.


Edit: No (not)chickens on this post because I was on my phone keypad, on the train. I'm sorry! Get off my back!