Saturday, 26 December 2009

Help wanted!

I need someone to help me clean up this little song I'm working on. There are some clumsy rhymes and it doesn't flow well in places. Please help!

Anyway, here it is...

"It's yours," said a mother and a father to their son,
"From the dreams of the night to the warmth of the sun,
"Find meaning where you will in this world of fun."
So I took what's mine with a smile.

From the cradle to the street, where I found my place
There, a lass caught my eye, t'ward her I faced
Pulling back the veil of soft, white lace,
I took what's mine with a smile.

I built her a roof and four walls sound,
Her heart opened up and her form grew round,
But we laid the babe in the muddy ground.
I took what's mine with a tear.

I walked from the grave through a yard of frost.
With my daughter's life came a greater cost;
The smile and the love of my life I'd lost.
There was naught of mine, but fear.

As I left the wardens of my heart,
My soul ached for a fresh, new start.
My life I'd owned and my blade was sharp.
I took what's mine with a smile.


  1. Gott in Himmel!!! That is a scary poem. Not because of the errors ... you're one freaky person. But you're right. There's definitely potential as well as space for improvement in there.

  2. Could you help me then? At least with the errors?

    Pretty please?

  3. I think 'said the parents to their son' would flow better.

    What kind of melody are you after? Solemn or more upbeat?

    I'm better with words than tunes but I'll give it a shot :)